Since I turned 27, every year, a few months before my birthday, which is in October, has been very difficult for me. I am now turning 32 and this year has been the worst.
Even though I have the most supportive husband, beautiful kids, a stable job, our own house and a car I still feel that there is something missing in my life. I am sad most of the time and been crying whenever I am alone. May it be in the car, in the office or at the mall. My life has been full of ups and downs. Name it and I’ve been through it (I think). But what’s most stressing me out is that not a lot of people, including the ones closest to me, choose to understand or even ask how I am doing. People tend to judge you without even knowing what you are going through. When they see you happy and enjoying yourself they will jump to conclusion that you are already a bad person. That you are not taking care of your family. That you do not love your kids anymore. Which is totally not true. It is sometimes wrong that you show people that you are happy although deep inside you are partly broken.
I am a strong person. I’ve always been the life of the party. I love to go out and be with my family and friends. But whatever it is that I am going through hinders me from being myself.
When I am at home, I just love to stay in the room and be alone and cry with no reason at all. During the weekends, I love to be outside partying the whole night. I want to be surrounded with people younger than me. I want to do the things young people are doing these days. I envy their youngness (if there is such a word). I envy their generation (not that I am not proud to be a 90’s kid because I love it, see the confusion?).
I lived a happy life. I had a pretty decent childhood. We may not be well off before but we had almost everything that is necessary to live. I was fed, housed, loved and educated.
At 19, I was a stow-away. I went with my, now, husband and lived separately from my parents. I was an undergrad. We started really rough and poor since he was still studying then. I had to work nightshifts, full-time at a very young age. Now that I am older, I just suddenly realized that I was not able to enjoy my younger years. I was not able to party, do overnights with friends, drink till dawn and travel. Not that I am regretting what I have now because I am really grateful and thankful for all of it but I just feel so incomplete and unhappy. And this is REAL. TRUE.
I fear getting older. I fear DEATH. I fear the future. Not sure why or if I should be. I made some research about what I’ve been going though and I found out that there is such a condition so most likely I am not the only one experiencing this.
“Gerascophobia is an abnormal or persistent fear of growing old or ageing. Gerascophobia is a clinical phobia generally classified under specific phobias, fears of a single specific panic trigger. Gerascophobia may be based on anxieties of being left alone, without resources and incapable of caring for oneself, Sufferers may be young and healthy.
Symptoms include the fear of the future and the fear of needing to rely on others to do daily functions. Many also fear they will not play an active role in society when they get older.”
Although, the reasons stated are not the same reasons that I have, this sums up what I have been feeling.
It’s hard. Really hard. As I get very emotional easily. I get very irritated easily. I feel very alone easily.
I did this writing to express myself and to be able to tell people that this kind of thing is serious. I do not know if this is depression already or maybe part of my post-partum. Not sure until when I will be feeling this way. But I hope that I’ll be back to my jolly self soon.
I hate it when people tell me that this is just all in my mind and that I can easily get through this. They keep on telling me to just look at my blessings. Who doesn't want to do that? Who wants to be lonely? Who wants to cry all the time? Again, I am really proud of myself for what I have achieved. I am happy with what I have. But family and status are not my issue. This is something rooting from deep inside of me.
We all go through different issues and struggles. We have different strengths and weaknesses. And everyone has a different way of dealing with stress.
I am sure that people will still not understand this. That they will raise an eyebrow when they read this. But this is me saying that I don’t care. I will get through this at my own pace. I will not rush. I am intelligent and I know that I will be able to surpass this. But for now, I will just try to enjoy life as much as I can. With the support of my husband who loves me so much.